2010-11-13 12:30

nuogi medžiai tau atiduos savo skurdų kvėpavimą

Į komentarus

Kai griūna svajonės. Kai pasitikėjimas su rudenio saule nusileidžia į tavo delnus. Kai viltis būti laiminga užsikasa po skurdžiais lapais, o liūdesys juodu rašalu baltam lape taškus deda. Kai pati atsisakai visko, kas rodos dar padeda tau žengti per gyvenimą. Atsisakai jo rankos. Kai supranti, kad daugiau niekam nesi reikalinga, užsidarai nuo viso pasaulio ir skęsti. Skęsti gyvenime lyg vandenyne ir gaudai oro gurkšnius. Jis siūlo atiduoti tau savo kvėpavimą, bet tik dar kartą jį atstumi ir bandai susitvarkyti pati.
Dabar suprantu, jog susitvarkyti negaliu. Nebegaliu, nes skausmas širdy netelpa. Ir keista kuomet dėl to nesi kaltas tu. Kalti visi aplinkui, bet ne tu. Ne tu man skausmą suteiki. Pati nesuprantu, dėl ko tave taip baudžiu. Atstumiu, grąžinu ir vėliau vėl į nežinią paleidžiu. Aš atsiprašyčiau, bet lūpos daugiau nebenori tau nei žodžio tarti. Aš ateičiau ir apkabinčiau, bet rankos nepasiekia. Aš lūpų kampučiais liesčiau tavo kaklą ir šnabždėčiau, kaip pasiilgau švelnumo. Į vandenyną savo jausmų nesutalpinčiau. O tu ir toliau tikėtumeisi kažko, kas širdį virpina. Bet dabar nebe taip, kaip ankščiau. Dabar nebeaukotume savo rytojų dėl vienas kito. Neatiduotume naktiniam dangui savo glamonių. Neįsileistume prisirišimo. O ir nuo ilgesio vartų spynas pamestume. Nes daugiau pasaulis nebe mums ir ne dėl mūsų. Saulė svetima ir dovanotos rožės meile nekvepia. Mūsų nuotrauka grąžina atgal į praeitį, trumpam, kad kūnas prisimintų ką reiškia šiluma. Tuomet pasižiūriu į blaškomus negailestingo vėjo, apnuogintus medžius prieš mano langus. Ir tyliai sušnibždu: ”Manau, ir jie kažkada šiluma tikėjo, kol ji neišdavė ir neišėjo…”


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